I hear people say all the time that they don’t want to deal with their ex to sort through separation issues. Sure, I can relate to that. In some cases, specifically where there is domestic violence, power imbalances or an unwilling party, court is a necessary evil. But for the others that say “when a judge hears my side…”, “I will take you to court so that you never see your kids”, “I will convince a judge that I should get everything”, I just cringe. These are statements made by people that are hurt but not well informed.
I think that all separating & divorcing couples should be mandated to sit in a family court room for one day before they start their separation process. Divorce boot camp!
Trying to prove your ex wrong is a waste of time, energy and money. I’m not saying this because I’m a mediator, I’m saying this because my ex dragged me through the court system so I have personal experience.
It was important for him; although I will never understand why, to have someone tell me I was wrong and had to pay for initiating the divorce. Yes I understand he was hurt, I also know that he relied on people that did not give him good advice. The agreement we had created on our own was far better than the one I was willing to negotiate after months of being brought into the court room. The money that I paid my lawyer could have gone to him and our co-parenting relationship would not have been left in tatters.
What did I learn?
- I can tell you truthfully that it affected our lives and our kid’s lives forever. We would have been much better parents had we not spent years and years recovering from what the Family Law process did to us.
- My ex actually spoke very little in court, his lawyer spoke for him.
- Many of the discussions, arguments and agreements happened in the hallway at the courthouse, not in front of a judge. (Final decisions were actually made in mediation)
- His lawyer did not play well with my lawyer which ended up negatively impacting their ability to negotiate on our behalf.
- It was a lengthy and expensive process.
- The process supported my ex in delaying decisions. The court process does not move forward in an efficient manner. Adjournments and leaving court without advancing any issues is common if the other party does not come prepared.
- Fighting over a parenting schedule is just a waste of money. Judges do not want to make the decision about where your children will sleep each night; they will, but they don’t want to.
- Financial issues are pretty clear with respect to the law. Net Family Property is split a specific way, child support is easily calculated based on tables and spousal support has guidelines. There are exceptions of course, however think very carefully before dragging someone to court over the ‘fairness’ of financial issues…unless of course someone doesn’t want to pay at all.
- Being uninformed and unprepared will cost you in the long run, in so many ways.
What is my advice?
Get informed. Make sure that the issues you bring to court need to be brought there. Be prepared to take criticism and try to navigate in a process that will take on a life of its own.
The likelihood that you will get to show all of your documentation proving what a rotten person your ex is or have the time to explain why your ex doesn’t deserve to have the children on a regular basis because they cheated is very remote. This person is a judge, this is a legal process, and they are in place to make legal decisions about your case.
Consider whether your emotions, which often are the defense for your positions, are relevant in a court of LAW. Being in the family court system is about the law, it is not about hurt feelings, proving right or wrong or having your day in court.
Look into other solutions such as mediation, collaborative law or lawyer to lawyer negotiations. I tell all of my clients to make informed decisions that are best for them and their family. You can fight some of your own battles with the appropriate help.
You may think that having your day in court will provide you with the opportunity to make a complaint publicly and to have it judged fairly. My question is this…fairly for whom?
All may be fair in love and war but that does not extend to Family Court during divorce.
Julie Gill Q.Med, CDFA
Owner & Principal Mediator
Families First Mediation
905.427.0100
www.familiesfirstmediation.com
Host of We Need To Talk on Rogers TV Durham
